My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask,
my varying and ever concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness,
no complacence.
Beneath it dwells the real me,
in confusion and fear,
in aloneness.
But I hide this,
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and the fear of
being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help
me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only salvation.
And I know it.
That is if its followed by acceptance,
if it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me,
from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't
assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by
acceptance.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by love. I'm afraid that you will think less of me,
that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would kill me.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I
tremble.
You alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow world of
panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by.
Please don't pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong
walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may
strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about
man, I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But, I am told that love is stronger than strong
walls.
In this lies my hope. My only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands,
but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,
and I am every woman you meet.
<Anonymous>
It is said that this poem was written by a high school teenager who committed suicide after writing it. No one listened. What a legacy he left the rest of us! To listen, hear and understand; and to do something to assist or in some way make a difference so that our life will not have been lived in vain. His wasn't whether he knows it or not! There are also other explanations about the author of this poem: a prisoner, a professor, and a woman. It matters not; what matters is what we let it do for/through us.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Joyanna began saying yes to herself during her midthirties with a divorce from her first
husband while her daughters were teenagers. Her young son chose to live with his father. She
became a working mother until the girls were grown. She then remarried and moved to California (from Oregon). She soon divorced and launched into the awareness groups of the seventies, such as Est and Silva.
Finally she met and married her soulmate, Van, and began the next phase of her transformation.
In 1977 she taught classes, held seminars of her "Pot 0' Gold Prosperous Living Course,"
which she wrote as in book form.
In 1980 she answered a request in an awareness magazine from a prisoner for letters. She
offered him her correspondence course, then came other prisoners, whom she called Freedomers
because they were seeking inner freedom. There were so many she began a monthly publication,
"The Rainbow Connection," publishing there letters, poems, artwork, and articles.
In the late eighties Joyanna stressedout. She discovered recovery is not a quickfix, so she semiretired from her ministry and began healing herself through therapy, selfhelp books and programs such as the Twelvesteps of Codependency Anonymous (Coda), and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACOA or ACA).
During the fiveyears of her recovery, Joyanna realized rainbows and pots o' gold were passe' and no longer pertinent to the intense problems of the times, so she changed the name and format to Inner Freedom Ministry. She still corresponds with the loyal Freedomers who remained steadfast during her recovery. Most of them are from dysfunctional homes, so now she teaches them about recovery and healing the inner child, and gives them copies of "Saying Yes to Myself."
Section I
Getting to Know Myself
YOU ARE GOD
You are unique. Like a snowflake, there is not another you in the whole world, or the entire universe. If a classified ad required your qualifications no one else could fill the job. You are a Divine Original. You are wonderful. Have a love affair with yourself. "I love myself" is your theme song.
You are God expressing as you, and only you can perfectly express that part of God. Without you, something of God would be missing; just as you would be incomplete without one of your fingers or toes.
When you stand before God and He asks, "What did you do with your life?" could you answer, "I lived it; I did what I wanted to do; I loved every minute of it, because it was my gift from You. I had a love affair with life"?
Or would you say, "I took care of everyone else, God. I was so busy living their lives that I forgot to live my own." If so, God would say, "I'm sorry, My Friend, that is the life I gave you; you had your chance.
Regret. That is what you'd feel as you ask yourself, "Why didn't I love myself enough to live my life for me, and not for everybody else?"
"But, selfish," you say. "I'd feel selfish if I lived my life without caring for others. How callous and unkind."
My Friend, I didn't say you were not to love others, or to care. But you see, when you take over God's job, trying to take care of the whole world, what do you leave for Him? GOD IS LIVING his life through each and every person you would try to help. It is not up to you to save the world, that is God's job.
Your job on this planet is to live your own life, to love yourself, and to take care of yourself.
Taking care of yourself includes answering the question, "Who Am I?" If I am to love myself then I must get to know this wonderful person that I am to love. I must become acquainted with the intricacies, sublimities, and inconsistencies of this oneof-akind person.
I will share with you some of my experiences and insights. I hope they will help you discover your hidden splendor, "Christ in you, your hope of glory," as Paul describes the Inner Presence, our true-self buried under the mask of persona.
We will explore the labyrinth of self not from a professional viewpoint, but rather through the sharings of my personal quest and discovery. You, too, will journey into your innerspace throughout this book, finding your true self, your I AM, a biblical term for God.
A lifetime of living has ingrained in our molecules the memories that covered our true identity. Our purpose is to uncover the false concepts as we ask, "Will the real (name) please stand up?" as Garry Moore used to ask on the quiz show, "Tell the Truth."
To know yourself is to know God. The complexities of self are delved into by psychiatry,
psychology, and all the human sciences. Even history and genealogy pursue the roots of "Who am I?" Yet, the ultimate search and answers must come from within oneself, bringing forth the
realization that you are God. My adventure took me along many paths, including traditional religion of the Presbyterian church, metaphysical freedom of Unity, selfawareness of est, Silva Mind Control and the New Age pursuits. I also pursued physical and emotional healing through medical doctors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, therapists, and natural food remedies. I even delved into the magic of the Kahunas of Hawaii, learning some important keys. Shirley McLaine's Ramtha, and another channel, Lazaris, reminded me that spirituality is my relationship with God, and that I am God, so it's my relationship with myself. Eventually, all paths lead to the realization that the Healer is the Holy Spirit, or Whole Spirit of God indwelling as the Christ Presence.
Yet I came to recognize that God indwells all of the abovementioned, and more, for God is All. Each step along the way was part of the whole of God. I learned that I am God expressing Himself as Joann, or Joyanna as I now prefer, (a composite of who I am). This name incorporates my Conscious, Subconscious and Superconscious selves, which will be explained.
I am grateful for the adventures and misadventures of my life, for they brought me to here you know, like the map Directories that say, "You are here." Usually, we know where we are, how we got there, and even where we are going. What we don't know is how to get there. We've been told "You can't get there from here," yet we know intuitively there must be a way.
And there is. But first I will retrace my past steps with you in order for you to familiarize
yourself with how to get "Here." Then we will then take the next step together. At that point you will discover that "How you get from where you are to where you want to be" is by realizing you are already there (here).
"Be here now, is a favorite expression with more truth than most realize. An "attitude of
gratitude" gives satisfaction with your present situation. And it can open doors to greater good, while giving peace and contentment in the present moment, rather than constantly living from the context that "Things will be better when..." They are perfect NOW. After all, you created them through your own thoughts. So accept it, change your thoughts and attitude, and watch everyone else "change." Mark Twain commented that at age 14 his parents seemed ignorant to him, but oh how much they had learned by the time he was 21! Obviously, his parents were quite wise all along; his attitude changed to appreciate their wonderfulness.
I recently received a prom photo of my granddaughter, Christina, after her high school graduation. On the back she wrote: "Thank you for being you. I'm ready to forget our past
relationship and try again. I never said this to you, but I love you, Grandma, and I thank you for
everything you've taught me. Believe it or not I respect and listened to you." She and her sister,
Heidi, contributed greatly toward my evolvement during the time they lived with us.
Life is the teacher. We can see and listen to the lessons coming through each person,
experience and manifestation of God. Resistance and rebellion surrender to God's Will for good,
as we recognize its presence. Serenity, tranquillity become our lifestyle.
After I stressedout in 1987, several years of therapy, meditation, and study brought me to the realization that there are many paths. The choice is ours. We can take the long, arduous journey through self-awareness, or we can take the shortcut by realizing our Oneness. "I know who I am; I am God manifesting as Joyanna." The first time I said those words I thought lightning would strike me dead. It didn't. More accurately, Lightening (awareness of the Light) brought me to life.
My journey into the Light took me along both paths: self awareness, and realization of
Oneness. My Inner Guidance (intuition) tells me I chose (before coming into this life) to travel both in order to teach others. I've often said "An experience needs no words," yet I must rely upon words to tell my story. Then you may choose your route.
There is no right or wrong way, but only the one best for you. They all get you where you wish to go, but some are more desirable than others. However, as the saying explains, "If you don't know where you are going, you may get there.' But it's more likely if you clearly know your aim.
My commitment to know myself brought me to the realization that I am God, and so are you. The Commandment states, "Love the Lord your God with all of your mind, heart, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." You see, when we fully love ourselves, knowing that each is God expressing that portion of Himself, it is quite easy to love our neighbor, who is also God.
Focusing upon this reality of Oneness is the shortcut. Now that you know this great Truth are you miraculously healed, prospered, transformed? I doubt it. At least for me it wasn't that quick or easy. So I found it necessary to begin the longer journey through therapy, selfawareness, and meditation. And then gradually the miracle of transformation occurred.
So, I will share with you some of my gleanings along the path. They won't all apply toyou, but they may trigger your own understanding and awareness. After all, it's the Inner Healer who brings forth each miracle of transformation.
God is masculine-feminine energies because God is the creative process that brings forth after its kind through regeneration. And then Love nurtures, guides, and cares for its offspring.
And we, created in God's image, are each whole and complete masculine and feminine
entities. Neither is better than the other, but a perfect balance of power and love. So let there be
peace between the sexes.
The ability to feel a deep and abiding love for our Creator is a special gift. This Love brings a deep peace and joy. With it comes a knowing, a union: Oneness. "I am created with love, to love. I am God expressing as Love. I AM LOVE."
As an offspring of God (Love), created from the energies of God, we are members of the
familyhood of God-Love. As a true offspring this knowing brings a rush of adoration for our
Father-Mother God. And Love pours forth within and without for our entire family. I love myself. I love you.
And now we know the meaning of the Great Commandment, "Love God with all your mind, heart, and strength. And Love your neighbor as yourself." All is Love.
My Commitment, to love myself, brought me to the realization that I am God, and so are you. The Commandment states, "Love the Lord your God with all your mind, heart, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. You see, when we love ourselves God expressing that portion of Himself through us -- the overflow automatically reaches out to others.
"But how do I love myself?" you ask.
By accepting and loving all that you are: the good and the bad, the love and the hate, the
peace and the anger, the beautiful and the ugly, the pleasure and the pain, the joy and the sorrow.
And those subliminal influences of which we are not consciously aware: our inner child, subconscious and superconscious self, as well as the conscious.
In search of knowing, healing, and loving myself I ventured into my inner realms with the
help of counselors, meetings, support groups, and my Higher GodPower.
Early in our sessions my therapist, Alice, made a startling statement. "Joyanna, your parents were emotionally dysfunctional. They were not able to give you the nurturing you needed, and no one will ever be able to fill that void for you. Therefore, you must now be your own nurturing parents."
To find this help I began attending At Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACOA or ACA) meetings. found support, nurturing, and long-sought answers to my lifetime of hurting. And I became acquainted with a strange phenomenon:
my traumatized inner child, Joanie.
I learned that over 95 percent of families are considered dysfunctional. And most of us
damaged adults have a wounded inner child hiding behind closed doors of its secret realm within
the subconscious feeling lonely, scared, confused, bitter, angry, rebellious, guilty, and fearridden. All those unresolved conflicts and traumas of childhood remain intact. From its seclusion this child subliminally controls our life based on its childhood experiences and decisions.
With loving encouragement we regain the child's trust, and it begins to surface in surprising little ways: a childish voice makes an offthe-wall comment or request. You look around wondering "Who said that? I thought I had that feeling or desire safely buried."
You're right, you did suppress that child's desires, and now you're paying a dear price. The covert demands and commands continue as a subliminal sabotage, though not intended to cause harm, but only to get its needs met. And you wonder why your life doesn't work. That innocent little child doesn't know any better, so the sooner we uncover, recognize, and adjust these behavior patterns, the sooner the adult can become the "master of my fate" and captain of my soul."
When I facilitated a "Homecoming" group based on John Bradshaw's book and public
broadcasting company video we focused for twelve-months on "Reclaiming our Inner Child." When we were finished and enjoying more wellness than ever before in our lives, we thought that was the end of the journey. However, as time progressed we discovered something uncomfortable persisted.
Each had a different story, but bottom-line, in each of us, something remained undone. Now no longer a support group, individually we pushedthrough more stuff until we finally came into the Light at the end of the tunnel.
I learned it isn't enough to reclaim the inner child. There is more to Transformation. We must reclaim our life. From what? Or who? you might ask.
The answer is, from whatever has you in bondage. For some it's other people: parents, lover, husband, wife, children. For others it's addictions: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, shopping, gambling. For still others it's habits or obsessions such as work, gameplaying, or writing, for instance, which is mine. It can even be as diversified as talking, or controlling, or caretaking, or cooking, or religion. Have I left anyone out? I hope not, because I think reclaiming one's life applies to most of us. It's simply a matter of how satisfied we are with its present functioning. It may encompass answering the questions: "What do I want? What's healthy for me?
Perhaps most of your life is desirable, but some glitch periodically pops up. You can live with it, but those around you may find it difficult, and eventually the pressure intensifies for you, too.
Another area for reclaiming your life can involve boundaries issues. Where do I end and you begin? Or where do you end and I begin? This can even be true with a job, church, or charity. It's called enmeshment. It's difficult knowing who I am in contrast to who you are.
The answer will necessitate an explanation of the Three selves, then move into the inner child discussion. I'll share insights gained in unraveling the intimacy issues relating with my husband, Van, and finally I'll give you the tools of recovery that support me on this journey of self.
MY THREE-SELVES: JOY, JOANN, JOANNA, JOYANNA
Have you ever heard of Huna, the teachings of the Kahunas? "The Secret Science Behind
Miracles" and other books by Maxwell Freedom Long are fascinating. Some call it witchcraft, but it's really white magic when used for good purposes. And if practiced for negative results it can boomerang and have devastating repercussions. I saw this happen when a kahuna master programmed a man to receive equal pain as he had caused other. The man was nearly electrocuted while working with a highpowered fuse box. The kahuna soon received retribution by being falsely incarcerated. Now I'm a believer in their power, and the need for caution. However, these teachings are well worth your time to study if you want more understanding about yourself.
I'll only share about the threeselves: conscious, subconscious, and superconscious. Carl Jung wrote about them, and some metaphysical religions teach of their functions.
I named each of my three selves:
JOY: CONSCIOUS:
Joy is my favorite self, the name I've given my subconscious, my emotional level. Joy is
fun-loving, usually happy, but can express the pits too, as her function is feelings.
Joy is guileless and childlike because within the subconscious is the realm of the inner child, sometimes called wonder child.
I'll never forget when Joy first made her appearance:
Sitting on the couch in a fetal position during an emotional communication with Ken, who had become so proficient with the Huna teachings he'd become a master Kahuna, I mumbled, "I don't like her!" Fortunately Ken and I were acquainted with our subconscious-selves through the use of a pendulum, and had named them, so he said, "Who, Joy?" Ignoring his question a pouty, childish voice said, "I hate her!" Ken pursued the conversation with Joy and learned she was upset with my selection of playmates (Ken), and wanted to select her own (Bob). An agreement was reached between my two-selves and Ken. Thus began an en-Joyable relationship between my conscious and subconscious self. And the beginning of an indepth understanding of myself.
The subconscious includes the intuitive, creative, and feminine characteristics. The location of this internal domain is said by some to be in the abdominal, or solar plexus region, but I believe its energies are throughout the body, as are the superconscious energies.
The controls all body activities, and as memory it unwaveringly forms habits. If you touch a hot stove and get burned, the subconscious says, "Don't ever touch a stove, you'll get burned." It doesn't know the logic that discriminates between a hot or cold stove. That's the job of the conscious levels. So for best results the conscious and subconscious must work together.
However, there is often a conflict or battle existing between the two. The conscious (intellect) demands one course of action, and the subconscious (emotions) another. This can cause sickness, disease, and other conditions because the subconscious controls the body functions. It's the little kid saying, "Okay, if I don't get my way I'll fix you.
And it does, as evidenced in Van's pneumonia syndrome story (discussed later). The
subconscious doesn't deal with logic or reason, but only with reaction and feelings. It's been given instructions by the conscious, and it follows through every time, just as the crew in the engine room of a submarine blindly follows the command of the captain on deck. It matters not whether it's heading for an iceberg. Full steam ahead are the orders to follow, whether or not it's a crash course.
Yet, if one wants to change patterns in order to get well it's worth the patience and perseverance to dehypnotize and reprogram. Denials and affirmations are helpful, but if the
subconscious has a strong program or belief, it may not accept them. One friend's subconscious
sticks her tongue out with a silent comment, "Oh, yeah! I don't believe you.
With constant repetition, and working with other parts of yourself, this can be a positive approach to healing. But it does take time. After all, look how long it was programmed for the
undesirable results. It's just like a computer, and after I introduce the other two selves, I'll explain how it works.
JOANN: CONSCIOUS:
Joann, my given name, my conscious self, is the intellectual, and its functions include thinking, logic, and reason. Joann is my adult and parent level. She is practical, businesslike,
efficient. She writes my form letters, publishes the "Rainbow Connection," and takes care of
business.
JOANNA: SUPERCONSCIOUS
Joanna's my superconscious, higher self, or spiritual level. She's always positive, and free from interference of feelings or intellect she tells it like it is. She's not concerned with whether or not an honest communication will hurt someone's feelings. At times I channel messages which are filtered through her. The recipient is often shocked by the words, but usually their wisdom and love cannot be denied.
Joanna is my loveself. I don't mean the feeling of love, but the loveenergies, which are not romantic, sexual, or even personal. Christians call it "agape," or brotherly love. Some call it universal love.
Interesting enough, according to the Huna teachings the superconscious flows through the subconscious, so it's important to establish a rapport with one's subconscious self to open the
communications with the superconscious.
JOYANNA: MY COMPOSITE NAME:
Joyanna is a composite of the three names. Therefore it is my chosen name, rather than
given name, because I feel it embraces all of me, so it's my true identity.
COMPUTER ANALOGY
I have a friend whose Inner Child, named Precious, likes computer symbology to help
understand metaphysical subjects. So Ken, who is a computer-oriented technical writer, and my
husband, Van, a computer programmer! analyst, contributed the basis for this computer symbology.
The computer represents the subconscious. The program is the inner child. The user is the conscious, and the electricity is the superconscious. That all sounded clear, until I began wondering what symbolized the ego, so I asked my Inner Presence. Shocked at the answer of
"programmer," I asked Van. He agreed, commenting that programmers are the "prima donna's"
of the computer industry because they are the most necessary. However, they would not be necessary without the computer itself. Remember, it symbolizes the subconscious, whose
function involves memory, and body activity.
And within the subconscious resides the inner child, who recorded everything as it was
experienced. This symbolizes the program utilized by the user (the conscious) to operate the
computer. None of this would be of any value, however, without the electricity, or power to run the computer. If you have ever heard the finality of the words, "The computer is down," you need ask no further the importance of the symbolized superconscious.
Of course, if there were no program to direct the computer, it would be a useless conversation piece. So the egorepresented programmer seems justified in its assumption of relative importance, until one asks, "Who cares, if there is no one to use it?" Thus, the user, equivalent to conscious level of self, asserts its rightful position of importance, not dominance.
What we are talking about here is the equality of each part and function in its own area of
performance. Once the symbology is clearly understood and applied, balance and order should
prevail whether or not one is a computer expert.
PINK-LOVE-LOTION PROCESS
Here is a process to prepare for the Threeselves Process:
Use a relaxing, soothing musical background. Lie down in a comfortable position where you'll not be disturbed. Imagine having a wide-mouth container of pink lotion or cream marked "Love lotion."
In your imagination dip your fingers into the jar and begin to gently and lovingly rub it into your toes. Take your time as you say to your toes, "I love you." Continue this on each toe taking time with each one. Also thank each toe for being there and for its perfect functioning. Continue dipping your fingers into the love-lotion and caressingly massage your feet, then your ankles and legs affirming, "I love you; I thank you; I appreciate you."
Allow a tremendous feeling of appreciation to wellup inside for the fantastic job your body has done all these years. Without conscious effort on your part the blood flows properly at the right temperature and in the right direction. The nerves do their part, as do the muscles and all other body functions. Thank them as you continue rubbing the lovelotion into your body. Thank each of your organs for its perfect functioning (even if it doesn't, thank it anyway as an affirmation).
As you are massaging remember this is your imagination, so you can go as deep as you wish. You can reach all those places that have hurt and no one could ever reach them. You can
exert as much pressure as you wish. If there are areas you can't reach to rub, create a spray-bottle
and saturate the area with lots of lovespray.
Continue this process until you have reached every part of your body including your head, eyes, ears, mouth, teeth, nose, ears, cheeks, and tongue. Don't forget your fingernails. Let the love and appreciation become more intense until your entire body is saturated with love that radiates a pink glow or mist. When this is complete fold your hands (really do it if you wish) into a cup as if you were going to fill them with liquid. Now fill them with love coming from the conscious and subconscious selves (merging the intellect and emotions) so the thought and feeling of love are joined together as one.
Now with the conscious and subconscious working together (perhaps for the first time), offer this love to your Superconscious. Give it as a gift of love from your conscious and subconscious to your Superconscious.
Now, ask your Superconscious to give you a sign or symbol, some way of knowing that the gift of love has been received.
Stay with this process until it is complete. I don't know what your experience will be, but it will be unique. There has never been, nor will there ever be another like it. There's no right or wrong way to do this. There isn't a certain something that's suppose to happen.
However, If nothing happens, and you seem to be hungup so you can't complete theprocess, then ask your conscious or subconscious or Superconscious to let you know why. What is the block or barrier? Perhaps you haven't resolved the conflict between the two. More time may be needed to work with this. Perhaps there's a thought or feeling that this won't work. For some there may be anxiety that the Superconscious won't receive the love gift, or give a reply. Perhaps you don't feel worthy of making contact with your Superconscious or Higher Self.
You must work through this with the assistance of all three selves before continuing with the next part of the process. With Faith, believe and know it can be done. There is a way. And you will be shown. It may take several sessions. Whenever it seems appropriate, ask your Superconscious for its name. It may come now, or later. Thank your Superconscious.
THREE-SELVES PROCESS
This next part can be done as part of the above process, or it can be done separately after doing the above preparation. It depends on the amount of communication and cooperation you have with your three selves.
Play some fun-type music for the background (see "About the Music). Be sure you are in a comfortable position and where you won't be disturbed.
Close your eyes and visualize a golden beam of Light centering above your right forehead. Take a deep breath and internalize the Light. As it begins swirling throughout your body, allow your subconscious to create in your imagination a place where you can have lots of fun. Let this be a process for your subconscious to play; so don't intellectually plan this place. There is no right or wrong place; just let all the details of colors, music, and fun activities appear. Really get into the mood of having fun. Do whatever is necessary for this to happen. Ask your subconscious to help. It may come up with things you'd never "think" of. Be aware of every detail in this fun place.
Now allow the golden beam of Light to extend into this place and flood it with the brilliant Light. When it is time (only you will know when) look to your left. You will see someone there, or you may be aware of an energy or presence. You may need to glance quickly before your intellect has time to invalidate the experience. This is your subconscious self. Greet it by name if you know it, or ask its name. Make whatever communication you may wish. Then ask if it has a communication for you. Don't be judgmental or critical. Don't make it wrong. Treat it with love and respect. Thank it for being there. Ask what it would like to do in that fun place it created. This is a marvelous time to "let it all hang out." Feel a sense of release and freedom.
Now let your subconscious show you how to play and have fun in this place it created (if
you've forgotten how). Take a long time to simply relax, play, and enjoy. Remember, there is no
right or wrong way to do this.
(For you who may not, as yet, have experienced your subconscious, imagine or pretend it's there. Do whatever is necessary to create and complete this experience. Don't be upset if nothing happens this time. There may be things you still need to work out with your subconscious before completing this process).
When you feel complete with this part of the process and feel ready to continue, look or
glance toward your right side. Using the same procedure as before you will experience the presence of your Superconscious. Greet this Higher Self by name if you know it, or ask if you don't. Thank it for being there. Make any communications, ask questions, and get acquainted.
Then ask if it has any communications for you.
When you feel comfortable with your Higher Self, make sure you introduce it to your
subconscious. When all the greetings are complete, continue the play-time with your threeselves having fun, feeling free, and happy. Take as long as you wish. When complete with this part of the process and ready to continue, form a lovecircle of your three selves by placing your arms around each other in a circle. Allow the love to flow between you in the circle. Feel it grow in intensity, becoming stronger, more intense and more powerful. A moment will come when there will no longer be three, but one. You will sense yourself merged into one. This is the moment when you will truly feel your oneness -- your true identity your I AM. The golden Light (Energy) may increase and radiate forth from you in such a way that you'll experience it as your true aura or essence, as the sun's rays radiate its energy. Enjoy this sensation as long as you wish.
When complete and ready, open your eyes and enjoy being who you are -- for the rest of
your life -- in the Light.
MY INNER CHILD: JOANIE
I have a little girl who lives within me. Her name is Joanie, and I have learned to pay attention to her needs and wants, otherwise she takes control and does it her way -sometimes with a sabotage. So when she speaks I listen.
I recognize Joanie's presence as a childlike sensation, and she speaks with a silent voice that I perceive as knowing, just as when my intuition reveals itself through the "still small voice." Now that we communicate we can negotiate if a difference of intentions exists. I can promise her a movie or other fun treat in exchange for her cooperation during an unpleasant chore such as editing and rewriting. If I keep my agreement, she's okay. But I had to earn her trust first by listening to her, and by proving I'll do what I promise.
I felt confused and uncomfortable when I first heard about my inner child. Hugging myself and saying "I love you" to an invisible entity within seemed silly. But I was desperate to heal my inner pain, so I began the process.
Naming my little girl eased the strangeness, and I was pleased when she felt secure enough to tell me her name, Joanie. This childhood nickname once used by my natural mother's family, had been terminated when I was adopted at age twoand-ahalf. It felt good bringing that term of endearment out of mothballs, and Joanie responded with joy to be recognized by name.
Others discover their inner child name to be their given name preceded by "Little," such as Little Marie; or some like opulent names such as Precious, Darling, Princess, Diamond, or Stardust.
Because as a child more was expected than they were qualified to handle, they learned early the complexity of the syndrome: thinking they can do it, yet learning they really don't know how. And after all they're not suppose to do anything but play, be happy, spontaneous, creative, and have fun. The damage from the overload causes panic attacks and a feeling of overwhelm, or
impending doom. "It's too much, I don't know what to do" is a cry from the wounded inner child
speaking from within an adult body.
So the healing begins as we assure the child that we can and will take care of her. We must become its loving, nurturing, protecting parents. And if we don't know how, we find someone who can teach us by attending seminars, reading a book, or seeking a counselor. This frees the child from much fear and anxiety, and healing is under way.
With all this freedom my liberated child sometimes gets too excited, so I remind her that she is out of control and to calm down. I remind her "Let me handle this; that's why I'm here. know what needs to be done, so you don't have to worry about it." What a relief to the poor little kids (mine and yours) who have been trying to handle too much. This is where the Responsibility Factor gets started. They think everything is up to them, and everything that goes wrong is their fault. "I know that World War II was all my fault," is the wry comment you may hear from an aware recovering adult.
For me the pattern had been established at a tender age. Joanie had learned to take responsibility for her young, immature parents; a normal occurrence with dysfunctional families. She often heard, "Take care of your Mommy, Joanie" (a common command in dysfunctional
families), and felt it her duty. The child is willing to comply, and tries, never doubting the
ability. But they aren't capable of the assigned task. Disaster often occurs from their inabilities,
and they are even blamed for the results. Thus selfconfidence and self-esteem are lost, and
shame can replace those virtues with "I can't do it," or "I'm not good enough."
Joanie can be exasperating and impulsive when she gets on a roll. For instance, I had a
picture collage of her with her mommy that I'd wanted framed for several years. One day she
took matters into her own hands. First she impulsively got the hammer and tried to beat the
staples into the hardwood frame, to no avail. Impatient, the little kid banged away until she
cracked the glass. Satisfied the broken glass would remain intact, I just let her keep working.
Finally her childish voice proclaimed, "There, I fixed it."
However, when I attempted to hang the picture, I realized she had put the staples in the
front, not the back; that's why it broke. It looked terrible. I just left it as an example to remind
my inner Joanie to let me help next time. She never forgot the lesson, either. When she starts on
a roll now, I take control by reminding her of the picture episode.
Sometimes, we both forget. For instance, at the post office I had planned to buy the
mailers, apply the labels, staple, and mail the two packages. However, the mailers were too tight,
but the metered stamps were already applied. I found myself in confusion, so Joanie decided to
help. She forced them into the bags with barely enough room for staples; one had to be taped
shut. But she was satisfied, and they got mailed.
However, when I returned to my car, in a tenminute zone, it had a ticket. My joy of
accomplishment quickly squelched by the $17.00 parking ticket. Becalmed, Joanie listened as I
explained that the ticket was a good lesson for us to remember to take things one step at a time.
Joanie and I now have a cooperative relationship. I listen and honor her requests, and she
respects my adult.
INNER CHILD PROCESS
(SONG: "REFLECTION" from Burt Bacharach's album "Lost Horizons")
Imagine standing before a fulllength mirror. Really see yourself: your hair, eyes,
mouth, body, feet. And say "This is me (say your name). I love myself."
As you're looking in the mirror ask that child, to become visible to you. See her (or him),
your very own self as a little child, reflecting back. And speak to your child. Maybe ask for the
name she/he likes to be called. Now just talk to her (or him) in the mirror. Ask if there's
anything she/he wants to say to you. Ask if there's anything you can do to help, or that she/he
wants.
(SONG:"I LOVE MYSELF THE WAY I AM" JAI JOSEFS ON LOUISE HAY'S
"LOVING YOURSELF" TAPE)
Sometimes the inner child can be very angry. Sometimes it's pouting. Just love that child
no matter what it's doing or saying, whether it's talking or not. Even if you can't actually see the
child this time, reach through and bring it forward with a loving, gentle hug. Tears of joy, or
perhaps anger, may be released through this gesture. A feeling of relief may overwhelm you once
this connection of reclaiming is made.
After this process write down your experience, and what your child said or wanted. And
especially your feelings. This is a powerful, deep process, and can be used often for contact with
your inner child.
*******
DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD?
1.DON'T SPOIL ME. I KNOW QUITE WELL THAT I OUGHT NOT TO HAVE
ALL THAT I ASK FOR. I'M ONLY TESTING YOU.
2.DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE FIRM WITH ME. I PREFER IT. IT MAKES
3.DON'T LET ME FORM BAD HABITS. I HAVE TO RELY ON YOU TO
DETECT THEM IN EARLY STAGES.
4.DON'T MAKE ME FEEL SMALLER THAN I AM. IT ONLY MAKES ME
BEHAVE STUPIDLY BIG.
5.DON'T CORRECT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE IF YOU CAN HELP IT. I'LL
TAKE MUCH MORE NOTICE IF YOU TALK QUIETLY WITH ME IN PRIVATE.
6.DON'T MAKE ME FEEL MY MISTAKES ARE SIN. IT UPSETS MY SENSE
OF VALUES.
7.DON'T PROTECT ME FROM CONSEQUENCES. I NEED TO LEARN THE
PAINFUL WAY SOMETIMES.
8.DON'T BE TOO UPSET WHEN I SAY, "I HATE YOU." IT ISN'T YOU I
HATE, BUT YOUR POWER TO THWART ME.
9.DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH NOTICE OF MY SMALL AILMENTS.
SOMETIMES THEY GET ME THE ATTENTION I NEED.
10.DON'T NAG... IF YOU DO, I SHALL HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF BY
APPEARING DEAF.
11.DON'T FORGET THAT I CANNOT EXPLAIN MYSELF AS WELL AS I
WOULD LIKE. THIS IS WHY I'M NOT ALWAYS VERY ACCURATE.
12.DON'T MAKE RASH PROMISES. REMEMBER THAT I FEEL BADLY LET
DOWN WHEN PROMISES ARE BROKEN.
13.DON'T TAX MY HONESTY TOO MUCH. I AM EASILY FRIGHTENED
INTO TELLING LIES.
14.DON'T BE INCONSISTENT. THAT COMPLETELY CONFUSES ME AND
MAKES ME LOSE FAITH IN YOU.
15.DON'T TELL ME MY FEARS ARE SILLY. THEY ARE REAL.
16.DON'T PUT ME OFF WHEN I ASK QUESTIONS. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL
FIND THAT I STOP ASKING AND SEEK MY OWN INFORMATION ELSEWHERE.
17.DON'T EVER SUGGEST THAT YOU ARE PERFECT AND INFALLIBLE. IT
GIVES ME TOO GREAT A SHOCK WHEN I DISCOVER YOU ARE NEITHER.
18.DON'T EVER THINK IT IS BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY TO APOLOGIZE TO
ME. AN HONEST APOLOGY MAKES ME FEEL SURPRISINGLY WARM TOWARD YOU.
19.DON'T FORGET I LOVE EXPERIMENTING. I COULDN'T GET ON
WITHOUT IT. SO PLEASE PUT UP WITH IT.
20.DON'T FORGET HOW QUICKLY I AM GROWING UP. IT MUST BE VERY
DIFFICULT TO KEEP PACE WITH ME BUT PLEASE DO TRY.
RECLAIMING MY LIFE
Getting to know oneself as a separate identity begins in early childhood when the
symbiotic cord is broken in a seemingly powerplay struggle between parent and child.
However, this is a normal stage often thwarted by misunderstanding parents. Thus that Toddler
Developmental stage is damaged, and poor selfimage and self-esteem occur. Also each
developmental stage thereafter is affected until finally a wounded inner child lives within the
adult. So we have children in grown-up bodies trying to assume responsibility in relationships,
marriage, childraising, and jobs.
Unfortunately these damaged adult children are running our country, state, churches,
schools, hospitals, and law enforcement; to name a few areas where we wonder about
irresponsible management. Becoming aware of and healing this inner child is vital to healing our
personal dysfunctionalism, and also the nation's, and world's dysfunctionalism. And herein lies
the answer to resolving crime and violence. Reclaim the wounded inner child and the family,
and you automatically resolve the larger problem.
I often refer to my Twelve Step recovery program, Codependency Anonymous (Coda).
The main issue with codependence is an inability to define oneself. Because of our dysfunctional
childhood, our individuality is so shut-down we are not able to identify ourselves from another.
We depend on someone else for our identity: How do I feel? What do I want to do? We don't
know until we ask you. Sad but true.
One of my favorite examples of this disease occurred in the seventies before I met and
married my present husband, Van. I'd been in an identity-crisis during the transition between
marriages because I had no one to tell me who I am. This was long before I learned about
codependency.
I remember walking down the street going over in my mind a letter I had recently written
my then current love. I had written that our relationship would be however he wanted, whether
light or heavy. The truth is I wanted marriage so I could have an identity.
My Intuitive Guidance said, "Yes, that's what you've done all your life." Stunned I asked
for clarification, and began to understand that I had always tried to fit the mold I thought the
person with whom I was relating (parent, husband, child, lover, friend) wanted. It takes some
ingenuity to figure all that out for each person, and to switch roles throughout the day to please
everyone. This is codependencyto-themax - no identity of our own.
This works quite well until the person on whom we are dependent leaves. Then we not
only lose them, but we lose selfidentity as well. Life then becomes a frantic struggle to find
someone else in order to have an identity.
You may say, "Oh this doesn't apply to me." I was shocked to realize its truth for me. I
thought I was quite clear about mine, but once I had this startling revelation, I felt as if a heavy
weight had been lifted. I then entered into a fascinating period of finding out "Who am I?"
It took many years to accomplish, but at that time I became aware of my behavior and
gradually learned to stop pleasing others, and began discovering my preferences and choices.
Although an exhilarating time, it could be frightening because I often felt disoriented and
unfamiliar with myself and my behavior. Also it was full of surprises and often embarrassing
because of my new reactions. I'd say to myself, "I can't believe I said that," or "I can't believe I
did that." And it was risky because, no longer people-pleasing, I would offend family and
friends, as I'd explain my true feelings and wants. But it seemed worth the risks to have my own
identity.
At that time a TV commercial concluded with an adult daughter saying, "Mother, please,
I'd rather do it myself" to a wellmeaning do-gooder. But I found it took only a short period of
such rebellion before I found the balance between self respect and respecting others.
I'd constantly ask myself, "Is this really what I want? Is this really what I feel? Do I
really like this?" A difficult time, but the price was worth the results. I can honestly say if I
hadn't gone through those changes I'd never have become the right woman for the wonderful
man I eventually married. I had to know who I am and what I wanted. And I can now look back
at the person I was, and know it would never have worked out with him. Yet Van and I have
been together fourteen years. I'm not saying we haven't had growth-opportunities. But we've
grown together, rather than apart as we've cycled through these challenges at deeper levels. The
most recent process has been reclaiming the inner child --mine, then his, as said before.
So recovery from this disease requires "getting a life," to coin a phrase of today's young
people. Exactly. We must reclaim our life.
We first reclaim our life as an individual. I am not my mother, nor my father, nor who
they wanted me to be. I am a divine original. I have an identity: ME. And "Me" encompasses all
that I am. Ultimately we recognize the name given us by our Creator: "I AM."
MIRROR PROCESS
This next process is not designed to be comfortable. In fact, if you're not uncomfortable
both physically and emotionally you're not doing it right. The purpose of this process is to get in
touch with and release hidden feelings from childhood that stand in the way of your
understanding and intuitive guidance.
Imagine that you're standing in front of a fulllength mirror in a dimly lit room so you
can barely see yourself. If you have a real mirror cover it with window spray which you can later
wipe off.
Now speak the following words and allow them to permeate your consciousness, "When
I was a child I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child. When I became a man,
I gave up childish ways. For now I see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in
part, then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood."
Still your conscious, reasoning mind and do not try to figureout the meaning of those
words, even if they are familiar and you think you know exactly what they mean. Repeat them
several times.
As you are looking in the mirror visualize a golden beam of Light (Understanding
Energy) centering above your right forehead. Take a deep breath and inhale so you internalize
the golden Light. Now begin gently swirling the golden Energy through your head and affirm, "I
am Understanding." Continue doing this slowly until the golden Light has swirled throughout
your entire body and you are experiencing yourself as a radiating center of golden Energy. You
are aware of its texture, smell, and taste so it's very real for you and you can tune in, or recreate
it anytime by simply affirming, "I am Understanding." As this process continues see your clear
and radiant reflection in the mirror as the entire room glows from your Light. (Wipe off your
window spray now).
Now to your clear image in the mirror repeat the words, "When I was a child I spoke as a
child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
For now I see in part, then I shall understand fully even as I have been fully understood."
Ask your intuitive guidance to reveal their meaning while you look into the mirror. Focus your
attention on your reflection. Notice every detail of your entire body: how you hold yourself, your
posture and body language. What is it telling you? Does it project your desired image? What
about your hair? Clothes? Don't be critical, but simply observant. As you're looking at your
radiant, glowing self, realize no one else can qualify for the job of being you. There is only one
you. So look and see if you are fulfilling the job as capably as you wish it filled. Just be there
with you. Affirm "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.
Continue with this process until you feel ready to move on. Then read over and over the
following poem and allow your emotions to surface and burst forth if there are tears. It may take
some time, and you may wish to sit down if you're still standing.
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.
When you're ready, stand and again look in the mirror. Really see yourself, and then say,
"This is me (say your name). I love myself."
As you're looking in the mirror repeat the Inner Child Process:
Ask your inner child to become visible, See her (or him), your very own self as a little
child, reflecting back. And speak to your child. Ask for the name it likes to be called. Now just
talk to her (or him) in the mirror. Ask if there's anything you can do to help, or that she/he wants.
The child may be angry, sullen, or withdrawn, but no matter what, just love that child.
Even if you can't see it, reach through the mirror and bring it forward with a gentle, loving hug.
Tears of joy, or perhaps anger, may be released through this gesture. A feeling of relief may
overwhelm you once this connection of reclaiming your inner child is made.
You can also use this process to visualize your subconscious and superconscious selves.
Take as long as you wish with this process. When you are complete, write down your
experience, and your feelings. This is a powerful, deep process and can be used often to contact
the various aspects of yourself.
Affirm "I am willing to see clearly and to understand what God reveals to/through me." As
you're writing ask yourself, "Have I truly given up childish ways, or am I bringing those things
from my childhood into my present life? Am I bringing those resentments, hurts, fears,
accusations, and childish feelings into my life today? Don't let your conscious mind answer
these questions, but rather allow your inner child, subconscious, and Superconscious to assist
with the answers.
Stay with your writing until everything is clear. Then return to the mirror, and if it's still
blurry begin swirling the Golden Energy as a wiping cloth and remove any remaining covering.
Ask if there's anything else you need to understand at this time.
When you are ready, look at yourself again in the full Light of Understanding. Allow about
one minute to see yourself reflected in the radiant mirror as who you really are -- your true
identity revealed by the Light Within.
HABITS, PATTERNS, AND ADDICTIONS
Oftentimes characteristics or habits become our identity. For instance, unforgiveness, or
the need to punish for transgressions against us, possibly since childhood, becomes so much part
of one's reality that to let go would cause such a void one would feel as if his/her identity had
been lost.
Because it's always easier to see short-comings in another I'm clearsighted regarding
this syndrome with my husband, Van. (He's given permission for me to share the following
story).
A self-admitted "non-social" Van explains that there is a difference between this and
anti-social behavior, which is against society: rebellious, such as teenagers dyeing their hair
green in an attempt to discover their own identity and individuality. On the other hand,
nonsocials quietly withdraw from society. They don't care what others are doing; they live in
their own isolation. They choose to be loners, yet are terrified at being alone, so become
workaholics, or alcoholics to avoid dealing with their problem. So, having a normal need for
companionship, they are lonely. It becomes a Catch 22; I can't live with them, and I can't live
without them. But they consider relationships more terrifying than loneliness because of their
fear of intimacy.
So the subconscious develops a survival mechanism. Van became a workaholic, a
symptomatic disease (addictions are diseases because they are symptomatic, definable,
progressive, and life-threatening).
Ideally, a people-pleaser woman, such as myself, raised in a dysfunctional home, is a
perfect mate. The dancesteps fit quite nicely: a man who withholds himself, pleasure, money,
sex, support, and nurturing, and a woman whose motivation is to please others, denying her own
needs and desires; even feeling they are unreasonable requests. Of course none of this is
conscious or intentional.
Such a relationship can work until the woman's psyche activates her survival
mechanism. Mental, emotional, physical or nervous breakdowns signal 'Help." I know. It
happened to me.
During this time I read the book, "Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love
Them," which refers to misogynists, men who hate women. I recognized some of Van's
behavior, and felt angry, hurt, used, and abused. I cried a lot. I felt hostile and hopeless. But I
talked out my feelings with Van, and he tried to understand and make changes. However, these
addictions serve a definite purpose, so attempting to change them causes repercussions.
When Van decided to stop his obsessive working patterns, he became withdrawn,
lethargic, and depressed. His personality changed from pleasant, mild-mannered and generous to
rebellious, uncooperative and withholding. And at the height of this mid-life crisis transition he
was out of work for seven months.
His process scared me and triggered buried memories of similar changes with my mother
after the birth of my brother. Her formerly sweet disposition became unpredictable,
irresponsible, and unmanageable. And as a result my dad changed too. This began during
Mother's second pregnancy when I was less than two years old, and continued until she was sent
to a mental institution threeweeks after Gary's birth. For me, first emotional abandonment
followed by physical abandonment.
Van too was there, but wasn't there. My subconscious knew it was only a matter of time
before he left. His behavior and my reactions drove me to therapy. Also I sought help through
Twelve-step meetings such as Codependency and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and
Dysfunctional Family) meetings. And during this time I became aware of Joanie, my inner child.
My first lesson was to focus on healing me, not trying to change Van. A major shift in
our relationship resulted. He withdrew further and no longer attempted to relate beyond the mere
necessities.
As I became more acquainted with my inner child, I realized that his child had been
triggered by a series of events that activated his abandonment tape. This pushed his "they did it
to me and must be punished" button.
Throughout my Wellness Process, I shared with Van what I was feeling during my
experiences from therapy and a Self-Awareness Group. He seldom responded
(noncommunication is another withhold). But I continued sharing anyway. I realized that my
pain from withheld normal human needs, such as touching or holding, hurts as much as physical
beatings. And non communication is psychological abuse (the constant pain is as intense) just
as much as verbal. I felt wrong for wanting. The more well I became, the harder it was to endure
the pain. I knew that my needs must be fulfilled, but how?
I also knew the process for us both required gradual adjustment on all levels. I had been
reclusive during most of our relationship, partly because of my own declining emotional health,
and mostly to accommodate Van's nonsocial wishes. Yet, I had been an outgoing person, and
as I recovered, I felt restlessness, and an urge to mingle.
I realized that I must find a way, within the bounds of my marriage, to fulfill my needs.
So I decided I would resume my outreach with other human beings. This would mean that at
times I must be away were I to travel. How would Van survive? He wouldn't even fix himself
something to eat if I weren't home. The kitchen is merely a place you pass through on your way
to the table, or to get a drink of water.
But I learned to focus my attention on Van's good qualities, especially as he had been
before this happened. I recalled his generosity, kindness, love, and stability. I did not allow
myself to consider his present behavior as permanent, or really him.
With the combination of my own healing and the focus of my attention on Van's positive
qualities, I noticed something happening: he seemed to be moving out of his shell, returning to
the happier person I loved and married. I learned that sharing my wellness supported his
wellness. I focused on his wonderfulness, and overlooked the withholds. The process, though
slow, relieved the immediate estrangement.
With this improvement I took an inventory: Van financially provided our home, food,
and comfortable lifestyle. He supported my writing, ministry and activities. He did not verbally
or physically abuse me. He usually agreed to most of my requests, within reason, such as
allowing various family and friends to live with us temporarily during their Wellness Process, at
which time we nurture and support them. Okay, so what is the problem? I would continually ask
myself. But I am hurting, I would reply. Then fix it, I suggested.
So when my friend, Bonnie, visited for ten days, I incorporated her vacation into my
rehabilitation therapy. I vacationed too. We toured Disneyland and ate out every day. I had fun!
It felt good. I wanted more after Bonnie left. Several days later my daughter, Gail, arrived and
the fun continued. I began to feel alive again. And Van handled the changes quite well. He even
joined us on several adventures and had fun.
Usually, I brought Van a treat from the restaurants where I ate; sometimes I left
something prepared. One time I left a note stating, "Playing... .back whenever... .cinnamon roll
in refrigerator.. .or whatever." The next day I asked him what he ate. He replied that he had
heated a Stouffer's lasagna TV dinner. I almost fainted! I let him know I was impressed and
proud of him. Not only that, he didn't burn the cheese topping, which I usually do.
He too was healing, moving beyond his past limitations such as not eating to punish
others by withholding from himself. Usually when his pneumonia syndrome kicksin this
selfinflicted sufferingtopunish concludes with his unwillingness to allow anyone to
nurture him with medicine, food, or comfort. He suffers, and punishes by withholding. During
this time it's as if he's fulfilling a death wish. He's just not there. And it activates my
abandonment syndrome with post-traumatic- stress disorder tape.
Of course, this is not done on a conscious or intentional level. It's a survival mechanism
developed by his ego. As a child, it worked. He usually got what he wanted. I must reiterate here
that Van is a wonderful person. He tries extremely hard, and quite successfully, to overcome
these learned behaviors, through his conscious mind. However, it just doesn't work that way.
These are subconscious responses, and must be unlearned through inner communications, which
he is doing, as evidenced with the lasagna breakthrough.
Returning to my need to nurture myself, I knew if I'm going to travel I must break
through my own barriers, as well as Van's. It's so much easier to sit here, and never get started.
So I decided to take a trip to visit my daughter, Dottie, in Oregon. But how would I ever get
Van's approval? And what about the money? We were already planning a trip together, and I felt
he would never okay my separate trip. But I knew I had to go, so Dorothy's birthday in
September seemed the ideal time.
Unconsciously I created a major upheaval between us, thus giving myself permission to
leave. However, this time I became aware of the familiar pattern while listening to someone
share at an ACA meeting. It reminded me that Van and I share the abandonment syndrome.
These patterns are so ingrained in our subconscious that when similar events occur, we
wireitup to happen again.
I was convinced that if I took this trip Van would leave me. Had the cycle not been
short-circuited, it could have become another selffulfilling prophecy because we project the
thought and the universe fulfills it for us.
So in order to change the pattern I decided to calmly discuss with Van my feelings
regarding our relationship; my need for the trip to see my daughter, and my knowing that he can
handle the situation. He okayed the trip. I went. And I felt renewed from the selfnurturing
experience.
Further insight on Van's patterns can be seen from the following incident:
One night I approached the subject by telling him the insights shared by a nonsocial
man at an ACA meeting. The story must have sounded like his own; the struggle between
isolation and punishment, and the terror of being alone. As the story concluded I told him that
the man had recognized his need to punish his mother by not being happy, so he could not allow
himself to smile because that would ruin his "punish mother" identity. Again Van listened with
no comment.
This morning, as is my custom, I read aloud the Unity publication, "Daily Word":
"In thought, word, and act, I forgive. All of us want to be forgiving, but we may feel that
some change in the attitude of another must happen before we can forgive. In longterm
unforgiveness, the original transgression may be forgotten as forgiveness is held back by one or
all persons involved. The unforgiveness builds until it crowds love, kindness, and caring out of
relationships, families, or workplaces.
Harmony can be restored when in thought one person forgives the other. Other situations
call for words of forgiveness to be spoken. With deepseated unforgiveness, action that
confirms forgiveness is needed. We can be willing not only to speak forgiveness but to also give
forgiveness by living it every day in our interactions with others. Forgiveness counteracts
feelings of anger and resentment, restoring harmony within us, our relationships, and even the
atmosphere around us."
I realized how much one's identity is connected with our patterns. For instance, if Van
released his unforgiveness completely, along with his need to punish by withholding, what
would be left? All of the love, nurturing and living he has stored within himself desperately
desiring to be expressed.
And what about me? If I released my unforgiveness toward those who have withheld,
would I be able to receive all that love, nurturing, and living? Isn't that what Oneness is: heaven
on earth?
PART II
WANTS vs WANTS
The preceding words were written in August 1987. As I resume this writing in March
1992, we've just cycled through another pneumonia syndrome with my accompanying
post-traumatic-stress syndrome. There have been several other such patterns during these
fiveyears of therapy and recovery. However, this one evidenced several changes, such as a
shorter duration and less severity. Also, with my ready access to my new therapist, Megan, I can
take better care of myself by recognizing the syndrome, and then getting back to my Coda
meetings, therapy, acupuncture, massage, and church.
Also, we talk about it. This brings awareness and lessens the control of the disease
symptoms. When I say "we' I mean Van and I, and also Dottie and Steve, my daughter and
soninlaw who live with us at this time. And of course my sessions with Megan. It's still
painful when we' re in it, but this last episode brought insights which assisted in further
understanding the syndrome.
This time Van's wounded inner child, Little Ralph, surfaced and exposed himself and his
feelings as he put into words his painful shamebased pattern fed by parents, his boss, and even
myself hurtling dissatisfaction with his lack of communications, handling of finances, and
driving. Although our family appreciate all three of these areas of his capability, Little Ralph
feels inferior and beats himself up.
Yes, he seems unable to reveal himself by putting into words what is his truth, yet Van
can speak clearly when he chooses. His financial management for our family and our business is
impeccable, and he is a most considerate driver. However, recently his boss criticized him for
not communicating. And we've discussed his need to say what his needs and wants are, and to
otherwise let us know what is happening with him. And when I'm in my low stresslevel I'm
edgy in traffic. So Little Ralph's shamebase kicked in with the message, "I'm not okay."
He's still not telling his secrets, so we don't know the full story of his pain and behavior,
but some insights will help me explain what we've concluded to be the most important
information I've ever written for understanding and getting to know oneself. Here's how it
works:
The subject is "Wants vs. Wants." God always gives us what we want. He always
answers prayers. Jesus said "Ask anything in my name and it will be given to you. ' So why
aren't our prayers answered? Why don't we get what we ask for? Believe it or not we do. We just
don't recognize the result because the want came from a subconscious level. We're working with
impersonal universal laws. They always work. You always get what you ask for. But you aren't
consciously aware of having asked for what you got.
Let me explain further. You have to want your heart's desires more than your habit wants
its own perpetuation. You see, a decision that was made in childhood for survival or getting
needs met may be a stronger "want." It worked or brought socalled "desired" results.
To further understand. let's look at Van's pneumonia syndrome. He doesn't remember
when the original pattern started, or why. However, this time more information surfaced from
Little Ralph as he repeated "It's too much. I've got to back off. It's too much."
He's been enjoying a family multilevel marketing partnership with Dottie, Steve, and
me for Matol Limited Botanical, building a business that sells KM, an herbal energizing drink,
and Pathways, a weightmanagement program, plus several other specialized products. I hadn't
been active in the group until recently. And that's when the overload began.
Sparing the details, suffice to say a conflict then developed. What Van consciously
wanted - the business association -- became overpowered by his subconscious want --escape
from the overwhelming situation. Right in the middle of a controversial family business meeting
his throat began hurting. By morning the pneumonia symptoms had set in. However, he went to
work and continued his activities, even pushing himself beyond his weakening capabilities. Over
a four-week period He and Steve took two local allday business trips; and Dottie accompanied
them on two more weekend training trips. Van's condition worsened and he became weaker
until he finally spent a weekend in bed.
At some point he'd stopped having fun. And he'd also stopped guiding, as had been his
role, and had begun controlling. So when Dottie and I were in disagreement with him over an
issue, he could no longer cope. In retrospect he could see that his workaholic addiction had taken
control despite his conscious determination it would not.
Now we have the pieces of the puzzle that we can begin putting together to give us a
clear picture and understanding of this amazing phenomenon.
We have learned through our recovery program that habits, including addictions, have a
lifeforce of their own. So when we attempt to change them there's literally a lifeand-death
fight for their survival. They even project a deadly energy toward anyone or anything that
interferes. For instance, during Van's recent syndrome, Dottie, Steve, and I attempted to support
him by delving into the root childhood causes. The wounded Little Ralph emerged as a pouty,
pained, overwhelmed child saying only, "It's too much." And answering all personalized
questions with "I don't know."
However, another energy also emanated giving clear signals that said "Don't you dare
push any further. His anger penetrated the room, making it difficult to continue. And his child
looked sleepy and weak in an effort to escape the encounters. Yet his consciousself wanted
answers and freedom from the bondage of the lifelong pattern.
My therapist reminded me it's Van's process, and not up to me to fix or help, which is
asking a lot of a codependent -recovering or not. That's why I must stay with my recovery
program during these crisis. Despite my support team, my subconscious reacted with
posttraumatic-stress-disorder symptoms, which Megan brought to my attention. I didn't
recognize it because I was too enmeshed in the problem.
She reminded me that Van's pneumonia syndrome constitutes abandonment because
that's its purpose: to escape the overwhelming circumstances in which he finds himself. And
then to punish the perpetrator with withdrawal and refusal to be supported -- deny them the
satisfaction of whatever nurturing they may offer. It's too little and too late.
Now here's the catch 22. A habit or addiction controls the mind so it won't hear
another's efforts to rescue the person from its clutches. When one is in the grip of an addictive
attack, whether cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, or a habit, there's no use saying, "Oh, excuse me, I
think Lady cocaine is getting control, you'd better stop." Or "Your workaholic syndrome has
taken over.
The night Van's sore throat attacked I knew he'd changed into his workaholic addiction
because he was no longer flexible or reachable. And I felt angry, frightened and ready for flight.
It wasn't until a month or so later in retrospect that Van's perspective adjusted and he could
explain so Dottie and Steve understood. Like an alcoholic's remorse, "I'm so sorry. I'll never do
it again." But they always do. That's because their want for the addiction is stronger than their
want for the recovery. So when a desire to overcome has more energy or emotion than the habit,
pattern, or addiction a change can occur.
For instance, Van's desire for enjoying a successful business is now stronger than his
desire for escape, punishment, or whatever need his workaholic and pneumonia syndrome serve.
And it's for him, rather than to please me, his mother, dad, or anyone else.
We now have an agreement that if one of the group notices another in relapse the others
will pay attention and intervene by communicating to the offending member. It's all part of
recovery and wellness. Van has agreed to let us know when he's overloaded. Then appropriate
action can be taken without his need for the pneumonia syndrome.
Unfortunately, in most cases our survival mechanisms which worked in childhood
eventually become lifethreatening, such as Van's workaholic or pneumonia syndrome.
Drinking, smoking, eating disorders, gambling, shopping, and all other survival mechanisms can
become fatal if not stopped. And the best approach is becoming aware of their underlying root
cause, then healing, forgiving, and releasing it.
That's easier said than done because of the aforementioned egohold that blinds and
deafens us to the solution. Most of our hearts are hardened, like Pharaoh with Moses, and our
minds are closed with the doors of denial. "It isn't true, it doesn't exist, it doesn't apply to me,"
or "it won't work for me," or "he/she doesn't know what they're talking about." Another good
escape from change is "My doctor doesn't want me to do it," or "my doctor says." And of
course, we can always find escape from the truth through religion, "I don't believe in that, the
Bible doesn't/does say so,'' or '' it's of the devil/antichrist. '' Yes, our beliefs can kill us, and
we'll be right all the way to the grave.
I recently saw a TV movie about Elizabeth Broderick, the lady who shot and killed her
exhusband and his new wife as they slept in their own bed. Betty, as she's called, told the
story in her own words (through actress Meredith Baxter), and from the beginning to the end she
never wavered from her believe that she was right and she'd been victimized.
As the viewer watched the "War of the Roses" story unfold the emotions ran from
incredulousness to outrage to sadness that such a tormented woman was not able to be helped by
doctors, lawyers, ministers, or counselors. But she probably wouldn't have listened. She didn't
listen to her best friend, her children, or anyone else who loved and wanted to help her. And
that's how powerful and deadly these control issues are; they'll kill you, or someone else. In this
case the lady probably had a chemical imbalance that might have been helped with medication
and/or therapy.
But you know, unless the person is willing to listen, hear, understand, and follow, the
only way a person can keep their sanity when dealing with life is to say, "That's how it is. I can't
change someone else. I can only take care of myself." If the person is hazardous to your health
and wellbeing, then you may need to get out of the way of the Mack truck."
Dan Broderick, a prominent, successful lawyer, and an apparently decent man, tried to
leave, but Betty's "Fatal Attraction" personality wouldn't let go, and she felt persecuted and
victimized. She could only see things from her warped, limited viewpoint. Obviously everyone
involved in that deadly dance had something to learn or understand about life, including me from
watching the TV. And you from reading about it.
But none of us have reason to judge another. We don't know all the facts from their
childhood, or their multigenerational story. We must understand that many factors make up who
we are. And incomprehensible as it may be, God is expressing in, through, and as each one of us
for whatever reason He, in His infinite wisdom, decides.
Then wellness and peace of mind can only come when we learn to say, "This is how it is.
I'll leave the complexities of it to God. And I'll live my life as I choose. I'll have as much fun as
I allow myself. I'll create the good things in my life according to my consciousness, and I'll
allow others to do the same.
I've found for myself that acceptance means I'm always going to have codependent
characteristics, and I'll always have certain behavior because it evolved from whatever happened
in my life. So I need to select a lifestyle that nurtures and supports who I am. Because I'm
dependent on relationships with others, I might as well continue my ministry with Freedomers. It
works for me - and them.
Understanding myself further, I know that I like writing and receiving letters. I enjoy
supporting Freedomers, and I flourish on their appreciation. So what's wrong with that? Where I
do get in trouble is dealing with their dysfunctionalism which includes abandonment, because
they've been abandoned. But I'm understanding that can happen, and it has nothing to do with
me. I don't need to overreact, but simply say, "That's because of his/her childhood survival
mechanisms." And I move on to support the next person. In the meantime, I give as much love
and support as I'm capable to those who are still in contact. I'm also learning to detach with love
in order to spare myself further pain.
It seems fitting to close with an idea from my '' Daily Affirmations" for Adult children
of Alcoholics for March 5. It suggests that we're learning to be sensitive to changes as we go
through recovery, and to be flexible with our new needs and patterns. It further suggests that as
we learn more about ourselves we test and question the old patterns, and values to see if they
still feel right.
As I was given a special message from "Daily Word" in 1987, so I'm given one now to
conclude this chapter:
"I am free to be the child of God I truly am, to express the divine creativity and life that
are mine.
"There is no habit that can bind or restrict me, for I am free in Christ. I am free to pursue
goals, carry out responsibilities, or nurture others. Whatever good I do is an expression of my
freedom in Christ. I become a more perfect expression of the Christ within as I demonstrate
Christ power....
As we grow and change I think this message gives us the new pattern. And the Bible
gives us "Forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward
the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philipians 3:13).
During my morning meditation I went through the "Love lotion Process" (in chapter 2)
in order to release some long-standing body-pain patterns. At the conclusion, my conscious and
subconscious offered the love to my Superconscious, then realized I needed to forgive and ask
forgiveness of those parts of my body. Then Joanna, my Superconscious, gave me the gift which
I'll share here.
She explained that forgiveness, as in "forgiving a debt," means it no longer exists. And
she gave me another example of pulling a rope as in tugofwar, and then letting go and
releasing the strain on the rope. So the gift of forgiveness of my body condition means it no
longer exists unless I take it back through my thoughts or feelings.
In other words, as the above Bible quote states, we must forget what lies behind and
move on to the perfect Christ pattern in the memory of every cell in our body. And this is the
gift: the secret of forgiveness; simply letting go of the past hurts, memories, or patterns. And the
new pattern begins. This too is what Jesus referred to as being born anew. We are then no longer
codependent, but independent.
This same technic applies to releasing any habit, pattern, or addiction. I thank Joanna for
this thrilling gift.
I keep my Paint Brush with me, wherever I may go.
in case I need to cover up,
so the Red Me doesn't show,
I'm so afraid to show you Me; afraid of what you'll do;
you might laugh, or say mean things;
I'm afraid I might Lose you.
I'd like to remove all my Paintcoats,
to show you the real, true Me.
But I want you to try and understand;
I need you to Like what you see.
So, if you'll be patient and Close your eyes,
I'll strip off my coats real slow;
Please understand how much it hurts,
to let the Real Me show.
Now my Coats are all stripped off, I feel naked, bare & cold.
If you still love me, with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my Paint Brush, though, and hold it in my hand;
I want to keep it handy; in case somebody doesn't understand,
So please protect me, my dear friend,
and thanks for loving me True;
But, please let me Keep My Paint Brush with me,
Until I love Me, too!
TOOLS OF RECOVERY FOR UNDERSTANDING
The poem "Footprints in the Sand" voices the writer's complaint that God walked with
him part way, but when he really needed God, He wasn't there, as evidenced by only one set of
footprints in the sand. Speaking for God the poem suggests that's because during our tribulations
He's carrying us, therefore only one set of Footprints are visible. This reassures us that when we
feel the absence of God, or feel the most need for Him," He is with us. With this realization we
learn to Trust God even when we feel most separated and alienated.
God carried me a lot during my nighttime of the soul, as it's been termed. Further
Understanding of who I am and how I got this way clarified in those Adult children of
Dysfunctional Family meetings I mentioned earlier.
I understand that we have within us the child who's still stuck in past traumas. That
whenever something happens to trigger those memories, the child runs rampant with the original
fears and related emotions and symptoms, which explains my reactions during Van's pneumonia
syndrome.
My abandonment by my parents began my traumatic childhood. But there's more. I'd
been in denial that Mom Freeland, my adopted mother, was an alcoholic. I denied it. Although I
knew she had done a lot of drinking, it never occurred to me that her unpredictable,
unreasonable behavior was associated with her alcoholism. I just thought it was her personality.
After reading, "The courage to change," I accepted the possibility of her addiction.
So in an effort to understand more about alcoholism's s affect on me, I attended an AA
Meeting. I sat in the front row of a roomful of people, some addicts, some family. The vivacious,
petite, blond leader gave an hour lecture on the first three steps of the AA "Twelve-steps." My
actively alive child within easily grasped the bottom-line summary: 1. You can't do it. 2. God
can. 3. Let Him." And the second simple threestep message she wrote on the board stated: "1.
It is not my fault. 2. I can't do anything to help. 3. Don't try." These two simple formulas remain
my quickfix recovery tools. However, the following Twelve Steps are the foundation of our
recovery program:
TWELVE STEPS
1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcohol and our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood
Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely willing to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God,
as we understand Him, praying only for our knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry
that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this
message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Although the reality that I'd been raised by an alcoholic mother finally penetrated, this
writing is not a treatise on alcoholism. However, I recommend AA and related Twelvestep
programs as vital tools for understanding self and others where addictions or dysfunctional
families are involved: over ninety-six percent according to some statistics. These programs saved
my life.
At the AA Meeting I obtained a list of meetings for Adult children of Alcoholics. I went
to a meeting. I got help. I was relieved. Now I understood and accepted that a lifetime of living
with an alcoholic had imprinted me with the typical behavior described in "The Problem," read
aloud at the meeting:
"Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being
brought up in an alcoholic household.
"We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority
figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities
in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.
"We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found
another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
"We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of
responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got
guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became
reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.
"We were dependent personalities -- terrified of abandonment -- willing to do almost
anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept
choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic
parents.
"These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us covictims' those
who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned
to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this
conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self
defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to
workable relationships.
"This is a description, not an indictment.
Although these "Problems" originally applied to children of alcoholics, adult children
from other types of dysfunctional families began gravitating to these meetings as they found
answers in "The Solution:"
"The solution is become your own loving parent.
"As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts
and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the same and blame that are carryovers
from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions.
You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.
"The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories
will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the
past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love, and respect.
"This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence.
Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had
alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery.
"This is the action and work that heals us; we use the Steps: we use the meetings; we use
the telephone. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We learn to
restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility
for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We
progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew
was possible.
"By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental
alcoholism for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an
adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take
responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
"You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you
feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept
you.
"This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the
love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with
God, yourself, and your parents."
Dysfunctional families include mental and physical disorders, religious zealots and other
rigid inflexible parenting, sexual deviations, shopaholics, workaholics, drinking, drugs, and
eating disorders, and the list goes on and on. Now you see why such a high percentage are
considered dysfunctional.
While writing "Faith is Saying Yes to God," and rereading the symbiosis process
(described in Book One) I understood how mistrust had been born in me by being separated from
my mother and dad too soon. And I now understood how anxiety had been kindled through
unpredictability with both mothers. The dysfunctional characteristics had been perpetuated and
passed along to me.
Another wellknown tool for recovery comes from the familiar "Serenity Prayer
"God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the
things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
The following talk summarizes much information already presented, however it's
included because it was an important step in my recovery process. Although I had taught many
classes, given Sunday Sermons, and facilitated seminars this was a first for my inner child. I
shook and sweated, and my voice quivered as I read these words:
TALK AT AN ACA MEETING
MAY 1987
I am a recovering Adult child of an adopted alcoholic Mother, and I am married to a
recovering workaholic.
I realized, in preparing for this meeting, that one reason I gave up leading inperson
groups for a writing ministry is symptomatic: the fear of negative criticism, and judgment. I
finally reached a point where I could no longer relate with people, yet I had the desire to
minister. So I developed a ministrybymail with prisoners. I figured they surely would not
reject my benevolent gestures. a mistaken assumption. Prisoners are the greatest support to the
need for abandonment because of the dance they learned in their own backgrounds, which
caused them to commit their crimes. Many of them deserted me before I abandoned them, which
perpetuated my stress.
I did pretty well by not marrying alcoholic, or abusive men. Instead, I married
withholders-wonderful men, but men who can't meet emotional needs for one reason or
another. And that's why I'm here, to learn to meet my own emotional needs.
Meeting my inner child and taking care of her is an important part of my recovery. It
helps to know our inner child's name. Mine is Joanie. Yours will tell you its name too if you
listen. Usually it's a favorite name from childhood or a nickname. Mine's a term of endearment
from my mother's family.
I give Joanie lots of love, understanding, and explanation of what is going on in the
present time. To the Inner child there is no time or space. To her, everything that is happening
happened "then," whenever that is. Mostly, it has to do with the traumas in infancy, or the
memorable events. Mine revolve around the birth of my baby brother when I was
twoandahalf.
Joanie has revealed that I had been told to "Take good care of Mommie," when my Dad
was away at Work camp, and the Inner child felt to blame when my mother had a nervous
breakdown, and was placed in a mental hospital for a few years. My dad got a divorce, and I was
adopted by my paternal grand parents. The breakingup of a family, especially when the
child feels at fault, is a traumatic event, usually causing feelings of abandonment, unworthiness,
and hidden guilt.
In my selfawareness group I learned that to the inner child, all men are Dad; all women
are Mother. However treated by them this becomes the basis for future relationships. I danced
the dance with my husband that I learned from my dads -- both of them. I also danced with him
the dance I learned from my mothers. In the meantime, he danced his parentlearned dances
with me. What a hodgepodge. I am learning to eliminate everyone else's dances.
The child projects outward from past experiences and brings back to itself that kind of
treatment. I was abandoned at two-and-a-half by my Mother and Dad. That was my reality, and
so don't tell me it didn't happen, or that it won't happen, again. I know it will, because it always
does. I set it up that way. My two former husbands also supported my need for abandonment. I
expect it. I know I am going to be abandoned. That's the way life is according to my projections.
Of course, my adopted parents carried on the tradition, only I didn't recognize it. They
never deserted me. I was always cared for; food, clothes, my own room, a great life. I never even
knew I wasn't receiving normal love and affection. I didn't know that some parents hold their
kids in their laps.
I wasn't used or abused, as a child, and I'm grateful for that. Yet, I realize I suffered
because I was emotionally abandoned by two sets of parents who did not know how to
emotionally nurture a child.
My adopted Father was also my paternal grandfather. I always knew he loved me, and I
loved him, even though, as a doctor, he spent his "at home time," behind closed doors resting or
studying when he wasn't listening to the news on the radio.
My adopted Mother was his second wife, therefore, not my paternal grandmother. I've
come, lately, to realize that she loved me, and showed it in her ways by cooking, shopping,
homemaking, disciplining. When I was young, I think things were better between us, but later we
had a clash of wills and battled a lot. I don't know when she became an alcoholic. I didn't know
she was until a year ago. My cousin once told me she was an alcoholic, but I had no idea what
that meant. Now, I see, it explains the unpredictable, irrational, manipulative behavior that I try
to avoid in others.
I'm so thankful for these meetings and the answers I've found to my lifelong search for
relief and release from the ongoing physical and emotional pain caused from my dysfunctional
family. Now I can complete my inner healing.
I want to add that I'm feeling so good as a result of preparing this talk I thought it would
be fun to start an Event called Sunday Playtime. It would be for all ages, kids, teens, adults,
seniors, AA/CA/NA/ACA/ALANON; involving everybody's "Kid." They could introduce
themselves by their "kidname" and have "Share and Tell," We could bring balloons, stuffed
animals, favorite toys, poetry, music, whatever. The child or adult could share progress in
knowing oneself. The Leader of the Day would plan the fun, music, games ice cream, whatever.
I got all excited about the idea, and even designed a flyer. Then I shared the idea with my
teenage granddaughter, Heidi. She didn't think many people would respond. So I decided to
shelve it until my Higher Power pushed me into doing it, if it is really supposed to happen.
At a recent meeting a man shared that he is a roofer and afraid of heights and falling.
Eventually he did fall. At some point, after finding AA, he asked himself why he had to keep
climbing onto roofs, and decided he didn't have to put himself through that, so he stopped.
I'm wondering if I need to put myself through starting another group activity, test for
abandonment, or is it all right not to do it, and allow myself to enjoy life without that added
stress? For a recovering ACA, that is a big question."
Now it's 1992 and five-years of recovery have proven the truth of the following Twelve
Step promise:
THE PROMISES
1.WE ARE GOING TO KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS.
2.WE WILL NOT REGRET THE PAST NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON
IT.
3.WE WILL COMPREHEND THE WORD SERENITY AND WE WILL KNOW
PEACE.
4.NO MATTER HOW FAR DOWN THE SCALE WE HAVE GONE, WE WILL
SEE HOW OUR EXPERIENCE CAN BENEFIT OTHERS.
5.THAT FEELING OF USELESSNESS AND SELFPITY WILL DISAPPEAR.
6.WE WILL LOSE INTEREST IN SELFISH THINGS AND GAIN INSIGHT INTO
OUR FELLOWS.
7.SELFSEEKING WILL SLIP AWAY.
8.OUR WHOLE ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK WILL CHANGE.
9.FEAR OF PEOPLE AND ECONOMIC INSECURITY WILL LEAVE US.
10.WE WILL INTUITIVELY KNOW HOW TO HANDLE SITUATIONS WHICH
USED TO BAFFLE US.
11.WE WILL SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT GOD IS DOING FOR US WHAT WE
COULD NOT DO FOR OURSELVES.
KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS!
SECTION III
Home Seminar Activities
Freedomers' Support Connection Explanation
Joyanna's Book List
HOME SEMINAR ACTIVITIES
THE FOLLOWING EXERCISES INTENSIFY THE EXPERIENCES OF THESE
LESSONS. SELECT THE ONES THAT INTEREST YOU. THE MORE TIME AND
EFFORT YOU PUT INTO THEM THE MORE LASTING IMPRESSION UPON YOUR
CONSCIOUS AND SUBCONSCIOUS. WORK WITH THEM AT LEAST ONE MONTHS
JOURNAL-WRITE YOUR FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES.
YOU ARE GOD:
Write out your identity story that answers the question "Who Am I?"
1.Who are you? Is that who you REALLY are? Or is it who you think you should
be; perhaps to please someone else?
2.What would you do differently if you were being who you really want to be? Why
aren't you doing/being it?
3.Have you experienced your true identity of I AM?
4.Are you willing to accept the responsibility of being a god?
5.What would that responsibility be?
THREESELVES & INNER CHILD:
1.What is the name of your "Subconscious"? What is the name of your
Superconscious"? And your inner child?
2.What communications does your subconscious want to make to you? Are you
willing to work together in agreement?
3.What communications does your superconscious want to make to you? Are you
willing to work together in agreement?
4.Have you merged your ThreeSelves? And your inner child? Are you willing to
work
together in agreement?
5.What are some of the "masks" you wear?
6.What are the "games" you play?
MIRROR PROCESS:
1.How does your self-image compare to the image in the mirror?
2.What "childish ways" are you still indulging yourself in as an adult? Are you
willing to give them up?
3.What memories, emotions, reactions did you experience as a result of the poem
"Children Learn What They Live"?
4.What do you now "see" or "understand" more clearly?
5.How do you feel about your new selfimage?
FURTHER SEMINAR SUGGESTIONS:
Prepare a poster using magazines and newspapers relating to "Saying Yes to Myself"
subjects.
You can place on your poster: A small mirror, pictures that suggest understanding between
self and/or others and/or God, pictures of children with parents, pictures of getting acquainted; or
the poem "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying."
Write down your feelings and experiences about your poster.
The Questions in the Home Seminar Activities have been answered by the Freedomers,
your Support Partners (as presented in "Saying Yes to Inner Freedom"), and appear in
"Unmasked: The Freedomers." Additional inspirational, informative, and enlightening sharings
on these subjects give insights to the humanness of Freedomers (prisoners seeking inner
freedom).
These inmates from my prison ministry read my original "Pot 0' Gold Course" and
responded to the Questions with their unique and honest answers.
"Pepin's Vision" tells a story of a vision that foretold his imprisonment in Florida even
though he lived in Puerto Rico. In the vision he was given a mission." The fulfillment of that
vision adds to Pepin's fascinating story.
"I See Who I Really Am" tells the transformation from longhaired "Danny" to
professionally trim "Dan" through his letters and answered Questions.
"According to Your Consciousness" sees Dal move from a prison cell to life Outside, to
life on the streets through ten years of letters as we endeavor to maintain our special friendship.
"I Didn't Have Time to be Child" and "I'm the New Generation" presents the sequence
of events as childhood patterns evolve into the making of two generations of criminals as Donnie
(the father) and Adam (the son) struggle to change those patterns from criminal to spiritual in
this heartwrenching story.
Further sharings will be available in future books, so keep your name and address
updated on my mailing list.
PERMISSIONS
All letters, poems, pictures used with permission.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To Van, my husband, whose love, support, and patience encourages me to be true to
myself, and to my writings.
To Chris 0' Conner, my writing teacher, editor, and writing associate who made it
happen.
To Dottie, my daughter, whose support, love, editing, and presence make the difference.
To David Oldroyd, of Charter Copies, who copied the "Rainbow Connection," "Saying Yes to Myself" and most of my manuscripts.
Couldn't have done it without you, Dave.
To my family who endure my eccentricities, and still love me. To all others who have
